In Antarctica, No One Can Hear You Moan

here is a story that is both charming and RELEVANT (national AIDS VIRUS month, you guys): Antarctica Base Gets 16,500 Condoms Before Darkness.

no big deal, right? just another boring story about lonely scientists smashing their (protected, well-lubricated) gentials against each other, in the darkness. zzzzzzzzzz

that’s what i thought too, until i reached this line:

The base only has a skeleton staff through the long winter

whoops! now you have my attention! all of a sudden this is the sexiest article i’ve read all day. now i have a very fertile, very sexy imagination, so i have no problem visualizing this undead, erotic madness…but i realize that you babies are still developing and have problems understanding shapes and colors, so here’s a little help:

A Cigarette Is Worth a Thousand Cancers

So…I just stumbled across some unsettling news. Apparently cigarettes can cause SPOILER ALERT dementia…Wait, what? Yes, my babies. Cigarettes are not for your health, they are for your crazy.

Whoops!

Now since cigarette smoking is my second favorite hobby next to returning videotapes, this revelation was obviously terrifying. I don’t mean to alarm you, but OMFG SMOKING IS DANGEROUS. Just kidding, it is the coolest.

Example:

This adorable Chinese gentleman is clearly not concerned about LOSING HIS MIND, so you shouldn’t be either.

But if you are still worried, then allow me to offer a few reasons why you should never quit:

We’ve Traced the Blog and It’s Coming from INSIDE YOUR HOUSE!

Listen: This will be brief because I am running late for my custody hearing and if I miss one again they will surely take Jasmine away from me forever.

Very quickly though, I would like to dispel some myths about online-diaries and the sexy, young internet-magicians that conjure them up:

Ellen Degeneres Is My Forever Nightmare

Last night i was attacked…In my dreams…By a nightmare. And since my dreamcatcher had previously exploded after a particularly terrifying wet dream – I will need to rely on you, my babies, to catch on these dreams and deal with them for me.

Now i realize that perhaps this will not seem very important to you…Maybe you are busy with your own problems, like POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION and AIDS VIRUS. But don’t worry – those are just old wives’ tales created by THE GOVERNMENT in order to keep us frightened and ignorant, so that we can be their slaves all the time, forever.

Just kidding. POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION is very real and very scary. Even Brooke Shields was not strong enough to survive, so you most certainly will not live through it.

But enough about you and your ’problems’…Let’s explore mine:

Confused? Undecided? THEN SIT ON THIS!

What a charming election so far, right?

WRONG! It is boring and it is forever. FACT: This election has been going on since before you were born and will continue long after all of you have died of AIDS or BOREDOM.

So what’s the point?

There isn’t one.

But we can pretend like this is exciting, right?

NO! Nothing interesting will ever happen. You see, this election has already been decided…In heaven…By God. And she is a Republican. FACT: Ronald Reagan is mentioned over THIRTEEN TIMES in the new testament. Al Gore? ZERO!

Now obviously this will be very upsetting to some of you…And to others you maybe didn’t even realize that we still had elections (which is very charming). Maybe you will start to wonder what you’ve been missing. And so for you I have quickly summarized the candidates so that you won’t feel left out when everyone else is pretending like this election is so amusing.

So grab your ankles and let’s begin: