When Did Coyotes Stop Being Scary and Start Getting Sexy?

If I made love to a coyote in an alley last night and nobody heard…Does that mean it happened? Of course it did…And I have the bite marks to prove it! Just kidding…She was very gentle and VERY respectful with my body.

You see…Susan understands me like no one has ever before. She knows that just because I begin crying hysterically immediately after we make love, I am not sad. I just get very emotional and worried that there will be a separate heaven for humans and coyotes so we might not be together FOREVER.

Now some of you may be slightly confused, or perhaps even disgusted by this terrifyingly BEAUTIFUL union…Others may be too busy creaming their jeans over the very idea of it. For the curious, allow me to explain how it all began:

As I was leaving my local convenience store last night, clutching my pack of VIRGINIA SLIMS and grape-flavored MAD DOG, I spotted her out of the corner of my eye. She was burying her mangy muzzle in an overturned garbage can and pawing at the rotting refuse spilling onto the ground. At first I was nervous…I almost ran away I was so goddamned flustered.

And then she slowly swiveled her head towards me…Those filthy chops still chomping on what looked like a used diaper.

We made eye contact. The muscles in her haunches tightened…Her posture suggested aggression, but her lovely lips curled back into a smile. I waved and smiled back. She began slowly stalking towards me; my body trembling with nervous excitement. As she approached I could feel my tender nerves grow taut, I wanted to leap at her – Grip the matted fur draped across her shoulders and pull her deep into the madness throbbing in my chest.

All of a sudden she winked…Almost seeming to acknowledge the powerful force drawing our bodies closer and closer.

And then our bodies collided.

Fingers and paws awkwardly fumbling…Searching. Initially I admit…There was some confusion. But it quickly evaporated once the pain transformed into unspeakable pleasure.

Whoops! This seems to be getting a little graphic…Let me pull back for a second.

OK…Listen: I don’t expect you to respect me and Susan’s relationship. I don’t even assume that you can even understand. But know this: What we have is deeply magical.

I’ve consulted Wikipedia and this apparently happens all the time. It’s called ’bestiality’ or whatever and it is nothing to be ashamed of. If a gay man or a gay woman (is that even possible?!) can move to Massachusetts and marry another gay, then I should be able to have discrete, consensual sex with a creature of another species in any alley that I want. If this type of relationship is against God, then why did he make coyotes so fucking sexy? That is not a rhetorical question…I expect you to answer it.

Anyways: Susan and I have agreed to take it slow. She understands that some of my friends will not accept our relationship, and I understand that her friends are a pack of feral beasts who cannot even speak Spanish let alone English.

Wow…It feels really good to get that off of my chest. If it were not for INTERNETS and online diaries I don’t know what I would’ve done. But listen: Let’s keep this like a secret…For now. And remember: Just because I have found Susan does not mean that I still don’t love you. I have so much love in my heart, I could fill Lake Michigan…Just kidding. That lake is fucking huge.

The end.

Px. Later that night I ended up having a seizure on my bathroom floor, but I’m pretty sure it was unrelated. And WEB MD was has no section explaining the potential side-effects of bestiality.