It feels like just yesterday I was a little tweener, stapling pictures of Katie Couric to my bedroom wall, learning long division, and killing small animals for fun.

Now all of a sudden I’m buying adult diapers in bulk from K-Mart, eating boiled cabbage, and falling asleep at 4:30pm to SUPERNANNY reruns. THIS USED TO BE MY PLAYGROUND. At some point though it turned into an adult day care center that smells like split-pea soup and Lysol.

Now that I’m now old enough to be your grandpa, I DEMAND you start treating me with respect. I am a grandpa of simple tastes so this should be easy for you:

I expect you to come and visit me on Thanksgiving and Christmas and also send me hand-written letters every month to make sure I am still alive. I’m already forgetting how to log onto a cyberspace, so no more AOL chatroom visits or Geocities Guestbook messages.

You will also have to sit patiently and listen to my boring stories about Y2K bugs, Mortal Kombat II cheat codes, and recaps of old CAROLINE IN THE CITY episodes.

Also – please don’t play any rap music around me. It is loud, angry, and filled with scary words that I don’t understand.

OK we’re done here. Grandpa is getting tired and confused. I will call you when I need my diaper changed.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABIES.

Hi! I

Just kidding. I realized that the Internet must be destroyed.

Do you understand what madness I had to endure just to find a few
pictures of naked, 80′s era saxophone-playing lumberjacks and
taut-bodied horse-wranglers? Do you know how many circles of Internet
Hell I had to travel through to reach the creamy, pornographic center
(sorry)? Five, my babies. Five circles.

Now since you just received your INTERNET LICENSE for your third
birthday, you probably have no idea what I’m talking about. So allow me
to take you on a virtual tour deep into the darkened pit of this
terrifying hellhole of insanity we call INTERNETS:

The FIFTH CIRCLE is the first level you encounter. This is where you’ll find your Disney. com’s, Totspot’s, and Facebook.org’s.

This is commonly referred to as BABY LAND, because this is where babies
(you) belong. There is nothing truly hellish about this level aside
from the INCESSANT WAILING OF BABIES WHO WON’T STOP CRYING WHY ARE YOU
SCREAMING ALL OF THE TIME?! Also, there are too many baby diapers that
need changing and not enough SUPERNANNIES to change them, so the stench
is unbearable. I hate BABY LAND.

The FOURTH CIRCLE is just a giant AOL chatroom filled with tweens
exchanging confused attempts at eroticism and trying to fuck each other
with emoticons.

The THIRD CIRCLE is actually the largest circle of them all. This is
where all of the HERBAL VIAGRA your boyfriend is always taking comes
from.

There are literally mountains of CheapestViagra!! 81% Discount on All medicines Save hundreds & hundreds of dollars$ Plus Receive bonus pills Without spending a single cent. We have everything men and Women need to Survive today’s hectic pace. No Appointments No Embarrassment No Physical Exam Fully Confidential Protected delivery from a licensed pharmacy! Discreet & Overnight Shipping Secure ordering!!!

Next we find the SECOND CIRCLE, the Online-Diarysphere, which is perhaps the most horrifying circle of them all. This is the part of INTERNETS your mom warned you about. It is filled with the wretched, toiling souls of a million fiery-crotched blog-masters. These wretched beasts squirm and slither across the filthy, Cheeto-covered ground spewing bile and banal anecdotes about laying in bed crying all day because they are the saddest creatures ever.

Haha. Bloggers! Are they kidding? Probably not, you guys. Unfortunately though we have to pass through their netherworld to reach the end of our journey:

The FIRST CIRCLE. Ground zero. Porntown, USA. Population: Gross.This is
what Al Gore created with his bare hands way back in 1995. This is WHY
he created INTERNETS. Looking for pirate-on-unicorn sex videos or
japanese naked clown fetish websites? Perfect. You’ll find it here.

This is the reason why God is dead. He accidentally logged on one day
and literally exploded. Whoops, now everything is permissible. Even,
apparently, photoshopped pictures of Morgan Freeman giving himself a
handjob on top of a dinosaur (wait, what?)

WHATEVER. Let’s just end this. Someone unplug the internet, it’s not worth it you guys.

The end.

Also -

he is homeless and wanted to go to jail because he had nowhere else to go

Wait, what? I thought you two had worked out your hilarious relationship issues, but apparently not. Now I understand that dating a transvestite can be difficult (SPOILER ALERT my real name is Jessica), but you two were perfect for each other. Except for all of your SCARY PROBLEMS. Seriously, you guys had some serious fucking issues to work through and I’m glad that Jeremy is trapped in jail now and cannot hurt you anymore.

Remember when he beat you unconscious with a shower rod because he caught you trying on a pair of his flower-patterned panties? Or the time he wrote NEXT TIME IT WILL BE YOURE (sic) BLOOD ON THE WALLS across your living room after you returned his WILL & GRACE Season 5 DVD to blockbuster before he had finished listening to the commentary tracks? Fuuuuuuck.

Well…Jeremy’s love is crazy.

Anyways: because I love you and want you to be able to wear flower-patterned panties without fear of a savage shower-rod assault here are a few quick tips for avoiding another terrifying relationship:

FIRST of all, never enter a relationship with someone you meet at the EVIL OLIVE. Nine times out of ten they will be an angry socialist with bleach blond hair and enough indignant fury against capitalism to fill a Cuban prison. Just kidding those prisons are already filled to capacity with journalists and political dissenters (FUNNY).

SECONDLY, never date someone named Kevin or Susan. Now this may seem OBVIOUS, but apparently some people don’t realize that not only are these names ridiculous sounding, but these people are monsters (both inside and out).

THIRDLY, there is no third tip, you’re on your own.

no big deal, right? just another boring story about lonely scientists smashing their (protected, well-lubricated) gentials against each other, in the darkness. zzzzzzzzzz

that’s what i thought too, until i reached this line:

The base only has a skeleton staff through the long winter

whoops! now you have my attention! all of a sudden this is the sexiest article i’ve read all day. now i have a very fertile, very sexy imagination, so i have no problem visualizing this undead, erotic madness…but i realize that you babies are still developing and have problems understanding shapes and colors, so here’s a little help:

is it possible to have a wet dream with your eyes WIDE OPEN?

anyways, next time you’re about to seal the deal with some confused and drunken monster you brought home from HILARIOUS NIGHT CLUB, remember even skeletons can be carriers of STD, so god only knows what sexual poisons are swelled up in your bloated partner’s body.

just in case you forgot, here’s a little help, courtesy of…THE NEW YORK TIMES (wait, what?):

step 1:

step 2:

step 3:

step 4:

Whoops!

Now since cigarette smoking is my second favorite hobby next to returning videotapes, this revelation was obviously terrifying. I don’t mean to alarm you, but OMFG SMOKING IS DANGEROUS. Just kidding, it is the coolest.

Example:

This adorable Chinese gentleman is clearly not concerned about LOSING HIS MIND, so you shouldn’t be either.

But if you are still worried, then allow me to offer a few reasons why you should never quit:

1. Cigarettes prevent the effects of aging. I’ve been smoking two packs a day for the past ten years and i don’t look a day over fifteen. I’ve also had thousands of dollars of plastic surgery NO BIG DEAL. Point is, I am very charming and very handsome. Let’s get coffee sometime. do you still live in Cincinnati?

2. Joe camel died for your sins. Over three thousand years ago a young Jewish camel named Joseph was nailed to a cross so that you could enjoy that ridiculous VIRGINIA SLIM. If you quit, then he died in vain.

3. Cigarettes cure AIDS VIRUS. Honestly, smoking is the only thing keeping your HIV-decimated body from falling apart. Hopefully your mom does not read my online diary, because how embarrassing for you. How would you even explain that to her? And don’t try to blame a toilet seat, your mom is not an idiot.

4. If you smoke around a small child they will think you are a dragon. And if there is one thing in this world that children love, it is hanging out with grumpy-looking dragons wearing tight jeans and talking about THE DASHBOARD CONFESSIONALS or whatever hilarious music you enjoy while quietly weeping in your bedroom alone in the darkness, all the time forever.

5. The Dark Knight starring Heath Ledger and Christian Bale, in theaters July 18th 2008.

For those of you still reeling from Charlton Heston’s recent decision to evacuate his host-body, this news may send you over the edge: Beloved R&B-magician, Toni Braxton had a heart attack yesterday. Now before you start hysterically sobbing and organizing candle-lit vigils – Get this…She fucking survived.

And do you know why? Because the doctors at St. Rose Dominican Hospital in Las Vegas are fucking pros.

Listen: Let’s get real. No, actually, let’s get unreal:

Imagine that you’re a doctor (haha) and you’re standing around talking with your fellow medicine men about last night’s SUPERNANNY or whatever sad prime-time TV show you spend your lonely Saturday nights watching, when all of a sudden music-legend Toni Braxton is wheeled into your ER. Whoops! What do you do?!

Unfortunately you have no clue because during medical school you were too busy advertising hot new ringtones on Myplace to read the chapter in your medical book entitled EMERGENCY CARDIAC ARREST RESUSCITATION. In this hypothetical situation you have just watched one of the most most popular and commercially successful female R&B singers of the ’90s die on your operating table. Feel like an asshole? Because you should. How’s that free ringtone sound now, murderer?

Contrast that scenario with the amazing bravery of the doctors at St. Rose Dominican Hospital in Las Vegas. When they saw superstar-singer Toni Braxton, convulsing on the gurney, they cracked open her chest and pounded on her shriveled heart WITH THEIR BARE HANDS. When that didn’t work they pumped her full of adrenaline and began screaming obscenities at God. This, of course, did not work either because he is busy committing genocide in Darfur. Finally, when they were about to give up, one unidentified nurse began softly humming the seductive melody of ’Unbreak My Heart’. And this of course worked, because that is the disappointing punchline of this online diary. Whoops!

The end.

Very quickly though, I would like to dispel some myths about online-diaries and the sexy, young internet-magicians that conjure them up:

MYTH: Blog-masters are sexy, young internet-magicians.
FACT: 78% of online diaries are written by confused children left unattended on the internet. Due to a loophole in the popular NET NANNY INTERNET FILTERING SOFTWARE, these adorable BABIES are able to slip out of their Disney.com’s and create as many blogspots as they want.

MYTH: The Jews invented the blogs as a form of electronic prayer.
FACT: The Jews invented the blogs as a form of MIND CONTROL. As it has been since the beginning of time, their only goal is complete world domination…And unfortunately they have once again charmed you with their enchanting Jewish spells and wicked-witchery.

MYTH: Rosie O’Donnell’s blog is a wonderful and heart-breakingly personal glimpse into the life of a gay celebrity and single mother.
FACT: What you’re reading is actually a long, endless series of random words smashed together by an angry, bear-sized lesbian.

MYTH: Writing online diaries is a fun, healthy way of expressing yourself.
FACT: Online diary-ing is a sickness, like AIDS. Eventually you will shrivel up into a wrinkly-fingered monster and people will be afraid to have sex with you, because you will look scary and disgusting.

MYTH: Blogs have revolutionized the internet, offering a unique opportunity for people to freely share their opinions and ideas.
FACT: The internet is just a series of tubes designed to deliver pornography, offering only a unique opportunity for people to freely download erotic videos without having to expose themselves to daylight or other humans.

Now i realize that perhaps this will not seem very important to you…Maybe you are busy with your own problems, like POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION and AIDS VIRUS. But don’t worry – those are just old wives’ tales created by THE GOVERNMENT in order to keep us frightened and ignorant, so that we can be their slaves all the time, forever.

Just kidding. POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION is very real and very scary. Even Brooke Shields was not strong enough to survive, so you most certainly will not live through it.

But enough about you and your ’problems’…Let’s explore mine:

My dream began with me backstage at an indigo girls’ concert drinking wheat grass juice with Ellen DeGeneres.

Very charming and very lovely…But then things turned ugly. All of a sudden Ellen became a little too flirty…Her body language changed, and i could tell that she was feeling romantic. Suddenly, she slid her bony claws up my thigh and winked at me.

And so i was all like,

Ellen. Let’s not take this friendship to that place. I respect you too much as a friend and as a comedian.

But Ellen would not listen, she never does. Before i knew it she was shirtless. Her pale, shriveled body trembling with desire.

I realized then, that i would need to be a little more FORCEFUL.

Seriously, Ellen. I don’t want this. you are a wonderful performer, but your body is hideous and you are also very gay, right? Listen, i will have to leave unless you put that shirt back on.

She refused and so I made good on my threat and leaped out the door towards the green room – Only to find, to my HORROR, that somehow I was back in the same room with the naked Ellen DeGeneres, again – Trapped forever.

At that moment i woke up screaming – And realized that unfortunately i had also wet the bed.

So, there you have it, my friends. A glimpse into the tortured psyche of a very confused and terrified dream-victim. And now hopefully my night-terror has become yours’ as well, and we can share in this hellish dream-fuckery together – So i will not feel so alone in my fear. But by all means, feel free to substitute your own favorite gay comedienne and/or natural, plant-based beverage.

Hmmm…Perhaps the irreverent Kate Clinton and a little low-fat soy milk?

You see…Susan understands me like no one has ever before. She knows that just because I begin crying hysterically immediately after we make love, I am not sad. I just get very emotional and worried that there will be a separate heaven for humans and coyotes so we might not be together FOREVER.

Now some of you may be slightly confused, or perhaps even disgusted by this terrifyingly BEAUTIFUL union…Others may be too busy creaming their jeans over the very idea of it. For the curious, allow me to explain how it all began:

As I was leaving my local convenience store last night, clutching my pack of VIRGINIA SLIMS and grape-flavored MAD DOG, I spotted her out of the corner of my eye. She was burying her mangy muzzle in an overturned garbage can and pawing at the rotting refuse spilling onto the ground. At first I was nervous…I almost ran away I was so goddamned flustered.

And then she slowly swiveled her head towards me…Those filthy chops still chomping on what looked like a used diaper.

We made eye contact. The muscles in her haunches tightened…Her posture suggested aggression, but her lovely lips curled back into a smile. I waved and smiled back. She began slowly stalking towards me; my body trembling with nervous excitement. As she approached I could feel my tender nerves grow taut, I wanted to leap at her – Grip the matted fur draped across her shoulders and pull her deep into the madness throbbing in my chest.

All of a sudden she winked…Almost seeming to acknowledge the powerful force drawing our bodies closer and closer.

And then our bodies collided.

Fingers and paws awkwardly fumbling…Searching. Initially I admit…There was some confusion. But it quickly evaporated once the pain transformed into unspeakable pleasure.

Whoops! This seems to be getting a little graphic…Let me pull back for a second.

OK…Listen: I don’t expect you to respect me and Susan’s relationship. I don’t even assume that you can even understand. But know this: What we have is deeply magical.

I’ve consulted Wikipedia and this apparently happens all the time. It’s called ’bestiality’ or whatever and it is nothing to be ashamed of. If a gay man or a gay woman (is that even possible?!) can move to Massachusetts and marry another gay, then I should be able to have discrete, consensual sex with a creature of another species in any alley that I want. If this type of relationship is against God, then why did he make coyotes so fucking sexy? That is not a rhetorical question…I expect you to answer it.

Anyways: Susan and I have agreed to take it slow. She understands that some of my friends will not accept our relationship, and I understand that her friends are a pack of feral beasts who cannot even speak Spanish let alone English.

Wow…It feels really good to get that off of my chest. If it were not for INTERNETS and online diaries I don’t know what I would’ve done. But listen: Let’s keep this like a secret…For now. And remember: Just because I have found Susan does not mean that I still don’t love you. I have so much love in my heart, I could fill Lake Michigan…Just kidding. That lake is fucking huge.

The end.

Px. Later that night I ended up having a seizure on my bathroom floor, but I’m pretty sure it was unrelated. And WEB MD was has no section explaining the potential side-effects of bestiality.