Go here. Add it to your internet-bookmarks. Your mom already added me to her RSS reader, so don’t even bother sending her this hyperlink. She is my best reader. And by reader I mean lover. Just kidding. She’s the worst.
Well, my darling babies…It’s official: I am the oldest person on INTERNETS now.
It feels like just yesterday I was a little tweener, stapling pictures of Katie Couric to my bedroom wall, learning long division, and killing small animals for fun.
Now all of a sudden I’m buying adult diapers in bulk from K-Mart, eating boiled cabbage, and falling asleep at 4:30pm to SUPERNANNY reruns. THIS USED TO BE MY PLAYGROUND. At some point though it turned into an adult day care center that smells like split-pea soup and Lysol.
Now that I’m now old enough to be your grandpa, I DEMAND you start treating me with respect. I am a grandpa of simple tastes so this should be easy for you:
Today while I was photoshopping my friends’ heads onto the bodies of PLAYGIRL
models (I have a problem) I realized something…My friends’ heads look
fucking amazing superimposed over naked, well-oiled bodies.
Just kidding. I realized that the Internet must be destroyed.
Do you understand what madness I had to endure just to find a few
pictures of naked, 80’s era saxophone-playing lumberjacks and
taut-bodied horse-wranglers? Do you know how many circles of Internet
Hell I had to travel through to reach the creamy, pornographic center
(sorry)? Five, my babies. Five circles.
Now since you just received your INTERNET LICENSE for your third
birthday, you probably have no idea what I’m talking about. So allow me
to take you on a virtual tour deep into the darkened pit of this
terrifying hellhole of insanity we call INTERNETS:
Whoops! looks like your boyfriend is at it again: Man in Drag Rams Car into Lingerie Store.
he is homeless and wanted to go to jail because he had nowhere else to go
Wait, what? I thought you two had worked out your hilarious relationship issues, but apparently not. Now I understand that dating a transvestite can be difficult (SPOILER ALERT my real name is Jessica), but you two were perfect for each other. Except for all of your SCARY PROBLEMS. Seriously, you guys had some serious fucking issues to work through and I’m glad that Jeremy is trapped in jail now and cannot hurt you anymore.
Remember when he beat you unconscious with a shower rod because he caught you trying on a pair of his flower-patterned panties? Or the time he wrote NEXT TIME IT WILL BE YOURE (sic) BLOOD ON THE WALLS across your living room after you returned his WILL & GRACE Season 5 DVD to blockbuster before he had finished listening to the commentary tracks? Fuuuuuuck.
Well…Jeremy’s love is crazy.
Anyways: because I love you and want you to be able to wear flower-patterned panties without fear of a savage shower-rod assault here are a few quick tips for avoiding another terrifying relationship:
here is a story that is both charming and RELEVANT (national AIDS VIRUS month, you guys): Antarctica Base Gets 16,500 Condoms Before Darkness.
no big deal, right? just another boring story about lonely scientists smashing their (protected, well-lubricated) gentials against each other, in the darkness. zzzzzzzzzz
that’s what i thought too, until i reached this line:
The base only has a skeleton staff through the long winter
whoops! now you have my attention! all of a sudden this is the sexiest article i’ve read all day. now i have a very fertile, very sexy imagination, so i have no problem visualizing this undead, erotic madness…but i realize that you babies are still developing and have problems understanding shapes and colors, so here’s a little help:
So…I just stumbled across some unsettling news. Apparently cigarettes can cause SPOILER ALERT dementia…Wait, what? Yes, my babies. Cigarettes are not for your health, they are for your crazy.
Now since cigarette smoking is my second favorite hobby next to returning videotapes, this revelation was obviously terrifying. I don’t mean to alarm you, but OMFG SMOKING IS DANGEROUS. Just kidding, it is the coolest.
This adorable Chinese gentleman is clearly not concerned about LOSING HIS MIND, so you shouldn’t be either.
But if you are still worried, then allow me to offer a few reasons why you should never quit:
For those of you still reeling from Charlton Heston’s recent decision to evacuate his host-body, this news may send you over the edge: Beloved R&B-magician, Toni Braxton had a heart attack yesterday. Now before you start hysterically sobbing and organizing candle-lit vigils – Get this…She fucking survived.
And do you know why? Because the doctors at St. Rose Dominican Hospital in Las Vegas are fucking pros.
Listen: Let’s get real. No, actually, let’s get unreal:
Listen: This will be brief because I am running late for my custody hearing and if I miss one again they will surely take Jasmine away from me forever.
Very quickly though, I would like to dispel some myths about online-diaries and the sexy, young internet-magicians that conjure them up:
Last night i was attacked…In my dreams…By a nightmare. And since my dreamcatcher had previously exploded after a particularly terrifying wet dream – I will need to rely on you, my babies, to catch on these dreams and deal with them for me.
Now i realize that perhaps this will not seem very important to you…Maybe you are busy with your own problems, like POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION and AIDS VIRUS. But don’t worry – those are just old wives’ tales created by THE GOVERNMENT in order to keep us frightened and ignorant, so that we can be their slaves all the time, forever.
Just kidding. POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION is very real and very scary. Even Brooke Shields was not strong enough to survive, so you most certainly will not live through it.
But enough about you and your ’problems’…Let’s explore mine:
If I made love to a coyote in an alley last night and nobody heard…Does that mean it happened? Of course it did…And I have the bite marks to prove it! Just kidding…She was very gentle and VERY respectful with my body.
You see…Susan understands me like no one has ever before. She knows that just because I begin crying hysterically immediately after we make love, I am not sad. I just get very emotional and worried that there will be a separate heaven for humans and coyotes so we might not be together FOREVER.
Now some of you may be slightly confused, or perhaps even disgusted by this terrifyingly BEAUTIFUL union…Others may be too busy creaming their jeans over the very idea of it. For the curious, allow me to explain how it all began: